Why Relationship Problems Start in Childhood | Imago Therapy with Dr. Joe Kort | Episode 9
What if the biggest problem in your relationship isn’t happening right now…
…but is something that started decades ago and is still quietly shaping how you love, fight, and connect?
What This Episode Explores
“There is no right way to have sex—only what works for you.” - Dr. Joe Kort
Most couples come into therapy focused on solving a present-day problem. But what if that problem isn’t actually the problem?
This conversation explores how childhood dynamics, trauma, and unspoken assumptions about sex and relationships shape our adult experiences. It also challenges one of the most persistent myths in sexual health: that there is a “right” way to have sex.
Guest Introduction: Meet Dr. Joe Kort
“The problem couples are fighting about is rarely the real problem.” - Dr. Joe Kort
Our guest today is Dr. Joe Kort, a board-certified clinical sexologist, author, and founder of The Center for Relationship Health. With over 40 years of experience, he is known for his work in Imago relationship therapy, trauma-informed care, and helping clients navigate complex sexual and relational dynamics.
His perspective is essential for anyone looking to move beyond surface-level solutions and understand what’s really driving relationship challenges.
3 Key Takeaways
There is no “right” way to have sex—what matters is consent, authenticity, and removing shame
Many relationship conflicts are rooted in unresolved childhood experiences, not current behavior
Effective therapy requires curiosity, strong questioning skills, and awareness of personal bias
Who This Episode Is For
Couples stuck in recurring arguments or emotional gridlock
Sex therapists and coaches working with relationships or sexual health
Anyone navigating trauma, shame, or confusion around sex
Individuals exploring identity, desire, or non-traditional relationship dynamics
In This Episode, We Cover:
What is Imago relationship therapy and how does it work?
Why do couples repeat the same conflicts over and over?
How does trauma impact intimacy and communication?
How can therapists avoid bias when working with sexuality?
Quick Answers for Imago Therapy and Sex
What is Imago therapy in simple terms?
Imago therapy helps couples understand how their childhood experiences shape their adult relationships, allowing them to resolve deeper emotional wounds through communication and connection.
Is there a “normal” way to have sex?
No. Healthy sexuality is defined by consent and authenticity, not by societal expectations or specific behaviors.
Expanded Insight
“You’re not dealing with a present issue—you’re dealing with a historical one.” - Dr. Joe Kort
One of the most powerful ideas in this episode is that relationship conflict is rarely about what it appears to be.
When couples argue about communication, intimacy, or even sex, they are often replaying unresolved emotional patterns from childhood. These patterns show up as reactivity, defensiveness, or emotional withdrawal. Without understanding the origin, couples stay stuck trying to solve the wrong problem.
This is where Imago therapy offers a different lens.
Instead of focusing only on the current conflict, it helps couples understand why they were drawn to each other in the first place. Often, partners unconsciously choose someone who mirrors both the positive and negative traits of their early caregivers. This creates an opportunity—not just for conflict—but for healing.
Another major insight is the importance of expanding how we define sex.
Dr. Kort introduces the concept of “outercourse,” encouraging people to move beyond penetration-focused definitions of intimacy. This shift can be especially powerful for individuals and couples who feel pressure to perform in specific ways or who believe their desires are “wrong.”
Finally, the conversation challenges the widely used “sex addiction” framework.
Rather than labeling behaviors as pathological, Dr. Kort emphasizes understanding context, relationship dynamics, and individual meaning. What one partner sees as problematic may actually reflect a mismatch in values, expectations, or communication—not an addiction.
About The Sexology Lab
The Sexology Lab explores the intersection of sexual health, psychology, and culture. Through expert conversations, we challenge outdated narratives and provide research driven insights into relationships, desire, and human behavior.
