Why Couples Struggle with Desire, Intimacy and Communication | Vanessa Marin | Episode 4-5
Why It’s Normal to Not Always Want Sex
Every time we talk about sex, there’s this unspoken pressure that you should always want it. That if you’re in a healthy relationship, desire should be automatic, effortless, and constant.
But what if that expectation is the problem?
We sat down with Vanessa Marin, and this conversation flips one of the biggest myths in relationships on its head. Not wanting sex all the time is not a failure. It is actually completely normal.
What This Episode Explores
In this episode of The Sexology Lab, we explore what really creates lasting intimacy in modern relationships.
From desire discrepancy to communication breakdowns, Vanessa Marin breaks down the patterns that show up in almost every couple. She explains why waiting to feel “in the mood” often does not work and how focusing on the experience of sex can completely change your relationship.
This conversation is about removing pressure, building connection, and creating a sex life that actually feels good.
Guest Introduction
Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist, sex therapist, and globally recognized intimacy educator. She has spent over 20 years helping couples improve communication, navigate desire differences, and build more connected and fulfilling relationships.
3 Key Takeaways
Desire discrepancy is normal in every relationship and not something to fix, but to understand
Specific communication tools are far more effective than vague advice
Joy, playfulness, and emotional connection are essential to a fulfilling sex life
Who This Episode Is For
Couples experiencing mismatched desire or low libido
People who feel pressure to want sex more often
Anyone struggling to communicate about intimacy
Individuals who want a more connected and enjoyable sex life
In This Episode, We Cover
What is desire discrepancy and why is it normal
Why waiting to feel desire does not work
How to communicate clearly about sex with your partner
Why many people are not enjoying the sex they are having
How to create a sex life that is actually worth wanting
The role of shame, culture, and expectations in intimacy
Why communication is the number one factor in long term relationships
What Is Desire Discrepancy
“Every couple has desire discrepancies.” – Vanessa Marin
Desire discrepancy is when partners have different levels of interest in sex. One person may want it more often, while the other may want it less.
This is not a problem to fix. It is a normal part of every relationship.
The issue is not the difference itself. It is how couples respond to it.
Why You Don’t Always Feel in the Mood
One of the biggest myths about sex is that desire should come first.
In reality, many people experience responsive desire, meaning they feel interested after things start, not before.
Vanessa compares this to making plans with a friend. You might not feel like going at first, but once you are there, you are glad you went.
Sex works the same way.
Why Bad Sex Kills Desire
“Why would you desire something that is not enjoyable?” – Vanessa Marin
One of the most powerful reframes in this conversation is this:
Low desire is often a response to low quality experiences.
If sex feels repetitive, disconnected, or focused on one partner, it makes sense that you would not want it.
The solution is not to force desire. It is to improve the experience.
Why Communication Is the Foundation of Intimacy
“The number one factor in long term intimacy is willingness to talk about your sex life.” – Vanessa Marin
Most people were never taught how to talk about sex.
They rely on vague advice like “just communicate,” but have no idea what that actually looks like in practice.
Vanessa emphasizes the importance of specific communication tools, scripts, and real conversations.
It is not about being perfect. It is about being willing.
How to Create a Sex Life Worth Wanting
Instead of focusing on how often you want sex, focus on how it feels.
Ask yourself:
Is this experience enjoyable?
Do I feel connected to my partner?
Am I getting something out of this?
When sex becomes more pleasurable, playful, and connected, desire naturally follows.
Quick Answers About Desire and Intimacy
What is desire discrepancy?
Desire discrepancy is when partners have different levels of interest in sex. It is a normal part of every relationship.
Why don’t I feel like having sex?
Low desire is often connected to the quality of the experience, emotional connection, stress, or unrealistic expectations around sex.
A Deeper Look at Joy, Shame, and Modern Relationships
One of the most powerful messages from this conversation is simple.
Sex should be joyful.
“Joy is resistance.” – Vanessa Marin
In a world that often feels overwhelming, stressful, and disconnected, pleasure and intimacy matter more than ever.
But shame, unrealistic expectations, and cultural messaging make it harder for people to access that joy.
Breaking that cycle starts with normalizing real experiences, letting go of perfection, and allowing sex to be playful, imperfect, and human.
Episode Breakdown
00:00 Introduction to Vanessa Marin
02:00 Sharing intimacy publicly
05:30 Origin story and early experiences with shame
09:00 Why professionals must do their own work
13:30 Moving beyond vague advice
18:00 Understanding desire discrepancy
25:00 Why experience matters more than desire
32:00 Transition to digital education
38:00 Building an online platform
44:00 Teaching as a couple
50:00 Communication as the key to intimacy
55:00 Navigating censorship
1:02:00 Shame and cultural barriers
1:10:00 Handling criticism
1:18:00 Family and generational healing
1:25:00 Meaningful impact of the work
1:30:00 Challenges of public work
1:35:00 Long term motivation
1:40:00 Lightning round
1:50:00 Final message on joy and pleasure
Listen to the Episode
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Resources and Links
Explore more from Vanessa Marin:
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Learn more at: http://sexualhealthalliance.com/
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Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to not want sex in a relationship?
Yes, it is completely normal. Desire naturally fluctuates and no couple has perfectly matched desire all the time.
How do you fix desire discrepancy?
You do not fix it. You understand it, communicate about it, and focus on improving the experience of intimacy.
What improves long term intimacy?
Open communication, emotional connection, and creating enjoyable sexual experiences are the biggest factors.
How to Apply This
Stop judging your level of desire
Focus on creating better experiences, not forcing interest
Use clear and specific communication with your partner
Prioritize joy, playfulness, and connection
About The Sexology Lab
The Sexology Lab explores the intersection of sexual health, psychology, and culture. Through expert conversations, we challenge outdated narratives and provide research driven insights into relationships, desire, and human behavior.
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The Guide to Your Backdoor | With Renowned Anal Surgeon Dr. Evan Goldstein | Episode 3
